The Dilemma of the Single Black Woman

I was asked on my formspring: It seems that the plight of the single black woman has become the cause of the week in many circles. What is your solution to this dilemma?

Well, it does indeed seem that as of late, everyone from Steve Harvey to CNN wants to chime in on the “plight” that is single Black women and what Black women are doing wrong that is causing them to not be in long term relationships.

I don’t think it is a dilemma. I think the real dilemma is that people are studying this “topic” at all. Where are the articles on single white women? Single Asian women?... You don’t see them. It seems to me as if Black women are being singled out (pun intended) as the only race of women with problems getting into relationship. As a married Black woman, with friends of different races, I can tell you that not all Black women have a problem finding mates, and women of all colors and races have problems finding mates.

I wonder why so many people choose to focus on the topic. And none of the “advice” being given by the people speaking on the issue is very helpful at all. It usually hovers somewhere around Black women being too strong or forceful with men.
What do I think Black women should do to not be single?

First, it must be acknowledged that all Black women (or women in general) do not WANT to be in a relationship and that should be taken into consideration. But, if you are a single Black woman or a single purple woman, or a single green woman, who wants a relationship and is having trouble I suggest:

1. Putting yourself out there to meet new people. You are likely to not meet someone for the potential of a relationship if you only ever travel between your house and work.

2. Don’t listen to most advice. Be YOURSELF when with a guy of interest because YOU are who the person will inevitably be in a relationship with and if you are following magazine rules to get a guy, you’ll either have to keep being a puppet of that magazine to keep him, or lose his interest when he finds you to be someone completely different than the person you were putting on to be.

3. Allow flexibility in your expectations/standards. I’m not saying don’t have any, but don’t let something stupid like promising yourself never to date a guy who wears argyle socks keep you from the man that you could have a meaningful relationship with.

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  1. I love this post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us as a happy married black woman. Thanks for saying that other women of other races also have problems finding mates. And I am pretty sure many men will feel this same way too about themselves. I wish people would get this message and stop singling black women out.

  2. @Funmi - Thanks for commenting! And definitely, I know plenty of men who have trouble finding a woman, it's all around, it's not a Black woman issue.

  3. I think happily-married black women should provide this sort of advice before Steve Harvey and single bloggers.

  4. Your blog says it all.

    And you reminded me of this post by Racialicious...pretty ridiculous the conclusions some people come up with to "justify" what they presumably "see."

  5. @TheBigShowAtUD - yea, I mean, I don't want to pat myself on the back too much, but I think I'm more qualified than Steve Harvey lol

    @Thu- thanks for that article! I just don't get out of all the issues in the world why this is such a studied topic.

  6. Like! I have never seen it as a plight, but perhaps I'm not up on the trends. I know why I'm single even though I complain about it sometimes. I also know what I can do to find someone. Really, I don't mind being single right now and am not in a huge hurry to change my status (despite my protests). I do think it's funny that this is garnering so much attention when there are countless women who are single. Great post and I'm glad I can read and comment. :D

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  8. I absolutely agree with you 3rd suggestion. I believe a woman should have some basic "non-negotiables" but they should be value driven, not superficial. Lots of women may be ignoring MR. RIGHT over things that aren't that important in the long run. Values, not superficial details, are the things that will carry a relationship through the tough times.


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